Dearest Guys with Guitars-
Speaking on behalf of women everywhere, I thought you should know that we ladies—regardless of age, ethnicity, economic status, whatever—are fans of your work. And by “work,” we of course mean your ability to play guitar. We’re fans despite never having heard you play before. Even if you’ve never strummed a chord in our presence, the very fact that you have a guitar (heck, maybe even just a guitar case) is enough to pique our collective interest.
Whether you play electric or acoustic, are self-taught or trained with a rock god, are in a band or just play for fun, NONE OF THIS MATTERS. Not much, anyway. Upon first meeting you, these are all minor details that can be discussed later. Believe us—we’ll ask plenty of questions about your craft in a minute. For now, you are guitar-playing citizens, and that is enough.
Do you guys even know where this obsession came from? No really—do you? Because I think all of us ladies would like to know why you’re so appealing. Then again, is it even possible to explain the magical mystery behind a guy with a guitar? I certainly can’t offer an explanation. All I know is that one time I went to a Hanson concert, and Taylor Hanson stepped away from his trusty keyboard to play a guitar, and I saw him in an entirely different way than I previously had. I already thought of him as a talented musician and an attractive guy, but with the guitar Taylor seemed…cooler? Move suave? I don’t know. But I do care.
I bet you guys already know that having a guitar gets all kinds of attention from the ladies. You must already know what a great icebreaker it is—that’s why we see you sitting on picnic tables on college campuses, or under trees in the park, or at open mic nights at popular cafes and bars across America. You know that if you play your guitar in a public setting, you’re going to get the attention of every single girl within a five-mile radius of your location.
My question is, do you know how to handle such adoration, such infatuation? Are you prepared to answer questions like, “How long have you been playing?” Because if you’ve been playing for a long time, there’s a good chance that she’s hoping your dedication to your music can translate into faithful dedication to the relationship she’s already imagining you’ll share with her. And by the time you answer, she’s gone ahead and made a playlist of all of the songs she imagines you’ll serenade her with throughout your years together.
It would be natural to then ask about your preferred genre of music. Rock? Folk? Country? We’ll ask, we’ll show genuine interest (and occasionally false interest if you answer with a genre we don’t care for), but ultimately it won’t really matter. Regardless of what you say, you’re either going to be seen as a rock star in the making or the sweet, sensitive type who will write a song for us on our wedding day, just like Justin Timberlake did for Jessica Biel. Ugh—it’s so sweet it’s almost unbearable.
And you better believe we’ll ask if you write your own songs. If you do, congratulations: you’re like a pot of gold at the end of the potential-boyfriend rainbow. What girl hasn’t secretly always wanted a guy to write a love song specifically for her? Even the most cynical chick would melt at such heartfelt originality. And what if you don’t compose original material? That’s really okay—remember, you’re still a guy with a guitar. As long as that component remains true then you’ll always have our affections.
Oh, Guys with Guitars, we may never understand why exactly you’re so alluring. We might spend hours, days, weeks, or longer trying to decipher this seemingly unknowable question. But please feel free to distract us with your acoustic cover of “Free Fallin’”; we’ve always loved that song.
Love, All the Ladies Everywhere
Thanks Malias for the photo!
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